Doubting Doubts

I’m not sure why I continue to doubt my Father’s power. In these past two months, God has broken through many boxes in which I put Him. He has shown me that He is bigger than I thought. He has shown up in ways I never thought possible. He has challenged my faith, my beliefs, and my perceptions through people, sermons, and experiences.

And yet, I still doubt.

I know that God does not show favoritism. What He did for the lame man, He will do for me because He does not favor one person over another.  I know that by His stripes I am healed. I know it is God’s will to heal those who are sick. I know that sickness is not from Him but it is from Satan who wants to oppress, destroy and kill.  I know healing is even a gift of the Spirit.

I’ve heard miraculous stories of healing from mission teams serving here at Thrive Africa. I’ve prayed over the sick asking for divine healing. I’ve believed they will be healed. I believe God does want to heal them.

And yet, I doubt that all those promises are for me.

All of that knowledge is head knowledge. It’s not heart-knowledge. My heart cowers at those promises. She is scared that she will get her hopes up (again) and be disappointed. It’s taken a long time, but I’ve finally learned that my sickness is not from God. And that is progress.

But, as I spend more time thinking about, learning about, and praying about healing, I can’t help but wonder if this is yet another box in which I have placed God. This box is not as fragile as the others; the ones He has already shattered. No, this box is made of stone. It is surrounded by chains. Locked by my heart’s key. It is put in a high security vault deep in my soul, because I am too scared to expose it to my friends, to Him…and more importantly even to myself. Part of me is too scared to even start praying about this. Part of me wants to continue believing healing is in the future for those around me but not for me because that is safe, that is comfortable, that is what I know.

So, I’m taking a risk.

I’m inviting God to get out of that box Houdini-style. I want Him to break the chains shatter the lock, smash the stone and come out waving His banner of victory. I don’t know how He will answer my prayer. I don’t know how He will win this internal battle. But I know He hears my prayers and He answers them. By doubting my own doubts of God, I’m expecting something big; something I could never have imagined…even if it’s incredibly scary.

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Reframing the Question

A friend of mine was in a car accident last weekend. Her car flipped and landed on its side. She was by herself, away from family and friends. Strangers stopped to pull her out of the wreck. They stayed with her until emergency help came. She had been on her way back from the beach when her world was literally turned upside down. She has a broken rib and some scratches and bruises. Mostly, she’s pretty sore.

I talked to her a few days after the accident to see how she was doing. She told me she wanted to stay positive because she knew things could have been much worse. And she was right, it could have been MUCH worse.

But, I wanted to validate her traumatic accident for her. I wanted to reassure her that being upset and shaken, even a few days later, is acceptable and understandable. I didn’t want her to think she had to put up a front of positivity.

It took me a few minutes to realize that I was projecting. When I went through a devastating experience a few years ago, no one just listened. I felt like I had to justify my sadness, shock, and anger. I eventually gave up trying to explain my hurt and just parrotted the same few phrases: God’s timing is perfect. Today is better than yesterday. It’s not the end of the world. But I didn’t feel that way. I just knew it made people feel better.

Instead, inside I was screaming at God. Blaming Him. Interrogating Him. Hating Him.

Why me? Why now? How could You do this? You could have fixed it a different, easier way! How can you love me and put me through this? What purpose does this serve?

WHY DID THIS HAPPEN?

As I was talking to my friend and silently reliving my own experience, one of her answers surprised me. She said, ‘I keep asking myself, why was I saved?’ I stopped mid-thought, mid-reaction, mid-breath. I had never applied that question to my situation. I wanted to know the PURPOSE of the incident instead of the purpose of the result.

I’m trying to reframe my question(s) now. I can all too easily find myself still asking, WHY?

Now, however, I want to say ‘what now? You kept me here for a reason. Use me.’

All it took was a little reframing.

Women’s Heart Health Day

Today is National Women’s Heart Health Day. Heart disease is the number one killer for women.  Heart disease affects women of any age, any race, and any background. So many women concentrate on their outer beauty- plucking eyebrows, applying the perfect look with make-up, styling hair, painting nails, and assembling a great outfit.  While outer beauty will always be a large part of what it means to ‘properly’ be a woman,  it can’t be compared to inner beauty.

By inner beauty, I mean personality AND heart health.  Monitoring what you put in your body will pay off later in life. Watching what you eat, what you drink (and how much), your caloric intake, and how much you exercise will shape the beauty of your heart. Small shifts now can benefit you later, ladies.

The heart is a funny thing. It is the life organ. It is connected to your soul. When you take care of your literal and figurative heart, the quality of your life will improve drastically. And trust me, these healthy choices are worth avoiding heart disease in the future.

So, wear red, donate to the American Heart Association, talk to the women in your life about their hearts (yes, both literal and figurative), and make smart choices!