I’m not sure why I continue to doubt my Father’s power. In these past two months, God has broken through many boxes in which I put Him. He has shown me that He is bigger than I thought. He has shown up in ways I never thought possible. He has challenged my faith, my beliefs, and my perceptions through people, sermons, and experiences.
And yet, I still doubt.
I know that God does not show favoritism. What He did for the lame man, He will do for me because He does not favor one person over another. I know that by His stripes I am healed. I know it is God’s will to heal those who are sick. I know that sickness is not from Him but it is from Satan who wants to oppress, destroy and kill. I know healing is even a gift of the Spirit.
I’ve heard miraculous stories of healing from mission teams serving here at Thrive Africa. I’ve prayed over the sick asking for divine healing. I’ve believed they will be healed. I believe God does want to heal them.
And yet, I doubt that all those promises are for me.
All of that knowledge is head knowledge. It’s not heart-knowledge. My heart cowers at those promises. She is scared that she will get her hopes up (again) and be disappointed. It’s taken a long time, but I’ve finally learned that my sickness is not from God. And that is progress.
But, as I spend more time thinking about, learning about, and praying about healing, I can’t help but wonder if this is yet another box in which I have placed God. This box is not as fragile as the others; the ones He has already shattered. No, this box is made of stone. It is surrounded by chains. Locked by my heart’s key. It is put in a high security vault deep in my soul, because I am too scared to expose it to my friends, to Him…and more importantly even to myself. Part of me is too scared to even start praying about this. Part of me wants to continue believing healing is in the future for those around me but not for me because that is safe, that is comfortable, that is what I know.
So, I’m taking a risk.
I’m inviting God to get out of that box Houdini-style. I want Him to break the chains shatter the lock, smash the stone and come out waving His banner of victory. I don’t know how He will answer my prayer. I don’t know how He will win this internal battle. But I know He hears my prayers and He answers them. By doubting my own doubts of God, I’m expecting something big; something I could never have imagined…even if it’s incredibly scary.