I know I haven’t written for a while but I needed time to just be; to just listen and pray and read and relax without trying to find nuggets to share on my blog.
That being said I have been thinking a lot about my birthday this year. I’m turning 25 tomorrow and I’ve realized I have some ‘hang-ups’ about that number. I always figured at 25 I would have life figured out. I thought at 25 I would be set in some sort of career, living overseas, and be ‘a real adult’. Even when I was in college I thought at 25 I would be set on a clear path and achieving ‘big’ things.
In my family most of the women are married by 25 and are getting ready to have children. Most have built a life by the time they are 25. And while each of us have our own paths to go down and our own lives to live, sometimes I wonder when I’ll feel settled. Sometimes I wonder when I’ll feel like I’m building a life.
And then I look around and realize that I want an illogical life. I want a life that follows God’s call no matter the consequences. I want a life that reflects obedience instead of trying to cram my life into a box I think it should fit into. That means looking through that box and letting go of the things I think I should have at 25.
And as I re-evaluate the last 24 years, I can say nothing about my life has fit into a box, there are few bows, and I’m facing the most uncertain year ever. My life has had numerous twists and several extreme turns. I never know what is going to happen. So, this year means more of Him and less of me. As I’ve let go of some desires I am seeking His desires for my life.
And somehow, it’s freeing knowing I don’t have to carry the weight of building my life on my own because I can cast all my worries and anxieties on Him who has already set out a purpose for me.
Lisa-Jo over at The Gypsy Mama gives a prompt every Friday for a five-minute-free-write. I haven’t done it before, but decided this topic was too good to pass up…
So here goes, 5 minutes of writing my unedited thoughts…
When I look in the mirror I see the details of who I am. I see the scar on my forehead from when I had the chicken pox. I see the eyebrows that animate my face as I tell stories. I see the eyes that have brought so many conversations to my life, and earned me my Sesotho name, Buhle.
BUt a small part of me wonders: am I really seen? Do people really see me? Or to them am I just the big picture? The overall characteristics without knowing the heart, the details behind what they see. I wonder how I can change the perception that is seen so that He is seen through me.
Because I want people to see His light and His life when they look at me.
So there I stand, critiquing what I don’t like, taking in what I do, with bigger questions on my mind.
I see a girl struggling to embrace womanhood. I see a big dreamer hiding being perfectionist fears. I see a hopeful heart through cautious eyes. I see a stronger woman looking back at me than I ever thought could be.
And yet, that question still nags in the back of my mind: am I really seen? Do I ALLOW myself to be seen?
So, now, let me ask you. What do you see when you look in the mirror?
I’ve never wanted to
Blend in, fade in, blur in
To what you say I should be
I’ve always wanted to
Stand out, shout out, live out
how I am different; unique
But there are
Labels, numbers, stigmas
Which you placed on me
To make me feel
Forgotten, unwanted, insignificant
I’m choosing to
Break down, tear down, kick down
The walls of those suffocating boxes
And instead cling to the
Truths of, love of, promises of
Him who called me to be different
Because it’s a choice I make
To rise above the boxes this world
Places me in and decide
To be more, love more, believe more
Because of what He has done for me