I just commented on my friend Katy’s blog post from today which made me realize something about myself. She gave us a space to write for five minutes…a safe place to share unedited thoughts. So I wrote. I haven’t written freely for far too long. My journal has begged for me to spend time with it, but I keep turning away.
I just don’t know how to write everything I’ve been thinking and feeling. I’ve convinced myself the English language simply doesn’t have words to describe the state of my heart since I’ve been back from South Africa.
Instead of writing out my elusive feelings, I’ve been speaking truths about God to myself. I’ve been reminding myself of His faithfulness and steadfast love which has been painfully obvious during my 3 month Bible read through. I want and need these truths spoken into my life when I find myself going down a destructive thought-paths. So, instead of giving myself the luxury of exploring where my head can take me, I’ve rerouted the course back His love.
So, when I wrote today, I wasn’t sure what was going to spew out from my heart. I was a little surprised to see this come out:
I’m still trying to see the beauty, deepen my trust, and give it to Him but…but there’s a but. A but I’m too scared to address. A but that I’m too worried is too honest and so, I swallow those words and remind myself of God’s faithfulness and steadfast love that I’ve seen during our sprinting. I’m scared to pose the questions because I don’t know if I’m ready to hear answers. So, I’m intentionally (and unintentionally) just being. Being in this new reality. Being in this unforseen path. Being in the ‘yes, and’ that He has been showing both of us.
There just always seems to be a but.
Looks like I need to pray about my but. 🙂