In my desert of humility, I have been struggling with facing my pride. I never really considered myself a prideful person because I always dismiss compliments and never think of myself as worthy of admiration. I had no idea how strongly I hold onto my pride. It shows up in different ways- ways I never really realized before.
I sit at work and mentally roll my eyes whenever I’m asked to do a task I deem below my pay grade. I feel my anger go into the red zone when my client talks down to me (as she does to everyone). I too easily dismiss others when they hurt me whether its intentional or not. I love broadcasting how self-sufficient I am because it shows I don’t need others, I’m strong enough on my own. It shows I won’t be a burden or ask favors that I deem unreasonable because I’ll figure out the solution by myself. Then, and this is the ‘best’ part, I can say I pulled through without anyone else.
Yuck Yuck Yuck!
Recently, the Lord has given me some opportunities to face my pride head on. I’ve been trying to love others even when I know they won’t return it. I’ve been trying to show love and expect nothing in return. Do you know how hard that is? To send emails, messages, phone calls, texts, prayers for someone with full confidence the person will do NOTHING in return and yet CHOOSING to continue?
It’s incredibly difficult for me.
I want to justify my default choice of walking away and cutting ties once I’ve been deeply hurt instead of coming back to the person and offering all that I can. (Ok maybe not ALL, but offering more than I did in the pre-hurt relationship).
It’s like taking my pride, wrapping it in a nice, pretty box and putting some C-4 around it then watching what happens. My pride ends up as small pieces, barely detectable until I take a step in the wrong direction. Then I feel the sting of pain as my skin rips on the rough edge of my once-intact pride.
I’m no where close to mastering unconditional love. I don’t want to make myself vulnerable and take that risk when I KNOW I’m the only one doing that. I don’t want to set myself up for disappointment because it shows love to that person I deem as undeserving.
My heart is wrestling with this. I’m failing. I know I’m failing. And yet, each time I fail, I rub the pride-dust off my knees and try again. I don’t take full advantage of every situation, I miss opportunities, but I’m trying.
And during this time, I’m driven to my knees because my Father hands me unconditional love, every day, every moment…even when I don’t deserve it.
…and that is humbling.