There are nights where I don’t sleep well. It’s a new problem. A problem I’ve been struggling with for the past few months. It will take me hours to fall asleep for no good reason. And I lay there, stressing about how tired I’ll be at work the next day, how annoyed I am that all I want to do is sleep and I can’t, praying for deep heart-wants, and trying to listen to Gods strong whispers.
A few weeks ago I was in that place…it was late, I was so exhausted the thought of turning over to get more comfortable wore me out. All I wanted was a deep, refreshing sleep; but instead, I laid there. My heart was full, my mind was racing. And I was discouraged. Another night of this? Another night of harsh realities and facing that which I want to hide? Another night of hard prayers and uneasy sleep? I started thinking about transparency and authenticity; two themes which have continuously come up this year. Realness begets realness. I so appreciate when someone reveals their heart to me whether through conversation or blogging. I do not take that lightly. I’ve been attacking the fortress walls around my heart by choosing transparency when, normally, I would hide behind the archers of my castle walls. It’s scary, uncomfortable, and risky but I’m trying.
As I laid in my bed mentally going through the risks I had taken with people and with this blog, I started thinking about how much richness has come to my life since I’ve been more transparent about my heart with God. As I was mulling this over, this monologue came into my thoughts:
You pray for clarity and you pray to know the plan I have for you. You want the answers to My heart, but you do not yet know Me. Get to know Me. Spend time with Me. I have a whole book revealing My heart to you. Hosea, Jeremiah, Isaiah, and My Son all show My heart for a relationship with you. Learn My heart, trust Me and then clarity will come. I have first been open with you, I have gotten to know you; now, read My journal that reveals My pearls, My hurts, and My love.
I had never thought about the Bible like that. Sure, I knew it was a ‘love letter’ written to us. I knew it was a book that showed us how to live, how to experience life. But I had never thought about how it reveal’s God’s heart. (And yes, I had to be reminded that the Bible does not reveal ALL of God’s heart, just that which He chooses to reveal. But that is even more exciting to me because the part God CHOSE to reveal has to do with His deep desire for a relationship with me!)
The Bible shows a story of God pursuing us and us rejecting Him. It is a story of persistence. It is a story of uncertainty. It is a story of heartache. It is a story of God choosing to risk and be vulnerable knowing He will be rejected and doing it anyways. It is a story of unconditional, no-holds-bar love.
I protect my heart when I know it will be rejected. In fact, I usually don’t even try if I know I’ll be rejected. I hide my emotions, my fears, and my struggles from others in order to be accepted and loved. I am not good at chasing those who do not love me. I am not good at unconditional love. God is radical. He is illogical. And I am speechlessly grateful for His endless love, pursuing, and relationship.